Rodney: Success Is A Competition
What is Success?
Growing up, I was made to feel as if success was a competition. Now, it wasn’t that I was verbally taught but somehow it was absorbed as an unspoken rule, a climate of expectation. When faced with challenges, themes of “it’s a dog-eat-dog world” ambiance echoed through the air. Fear of failure equated to feelings of being less than. Funny, we never asked less than what though. See, and here’s the thing, success rarely seemed to be defined by the person seeking it, only the judgment of others had the tools to assess it. In families, there was no difference, only a microscopic sampling of the world view. Is a point of view a personal choice or directive? Really, from what defined position is things being observed?
Often there are discussions of insecurities but who taught us to pick them up? How did we learn comparisons? Biologically, I am the youngest of four boys. Though there was no conversation about the roles we’d take within the family structure, somehow, I knew my areas of weakness and strength. It is quite interesting how roles are even assumed, outlined, or known. This assumptive conditioning correlates well with the ideology of success. See, I don’t recall wanting to be successful as it related to goals of excellence, materialism, or societal status. Deep down, success for me was all about winning at something, like, a game I didn’t sign up for but is now the Team Captain. I often wonder if it happened to me, is it the same for others. If influences persuade our perception and it is known that upbringings shape our awareness, then, what about our sense of value and worth?
What is success? I am struggling to figure that out because people that I assumed were successful have all stated that they didn’t feel as if they were. Success, the great mystery seems to only be an accolade given by “they” but who are “they?” Why do we value what “they,” say? This is extremely important because largely, I feel this pressure “to be…” However, I am experiencing great difficulty managing the unspoken stressor of success that only seems to be for me, through a competition. Though I don’t subscribe to the philosophy of competition, I seem to have no control over being enlisted. No matter how many crowns I tossed, there, I returned to the coronation court, longing and yearning for the declaration that is reduced to the draping of more comparisons. One day it clicked.
After lamenting over success, which is strangely different from 'purpose', I needed for it to be clearly defined. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I identified success as competition, and that was to be better than my brother, Rodney. Weird, I know, or at least I feel, yeah, to me it seems a little beastly in nature to want to be in competition with my brother. I mean, it’s not like we are some savage male animals of the jungle, establishing dominance; but yet, we are, no different. Well, at least, I am no different. As I thought long and hard, it made sense. My brother seems to make the perfect calculated risks, always working out for his favor; and I, playing it safe, and never feeling that level of accomplishment.
My brother had the coolest jobs and the coolest friends, his work has been in all the major stores, bringing him to visit several places around the world, living the life of the perfect blend of celebrity and nonentity. We’ve eaten in restaurants, adorned by his work and the owners not knowing who he was. Yep, I admit, I have a pretty awesome brother. So, then part two of the equation hit me, is a success the response of envy. Some may call it “looking up to” but in the simplest form, it is either admiration or envy? Though successful in my own rite, it’s minutiae in comparison to him.
Light Bulb Moment: Success, may not be a direct competition but a feeling of living a comparable life worthy of making the one who inspires you proud. Success is very much a personal goal; in fact, it is so much a goal that I now understand where the feelings of being less than come from. See, my brother set a standard, and somehow, it was instilled into me to carry it further. Success is therefore a legacy of excellence, not really as personal as one thinks. It is not through the process but at the passing of the baton that we receive the proclamation of success. So, success could also be the ability to inspire others “to be…”